STACITA.

My grandfather passed away on Tuesday, March 20, 2007.  Here his eulogy.

       I thought I would say a few words about the greatest grandfather in the entire world.  My grandfather – Gramps – was amazing and we adored each other so much. I’m not quite sure when it started, my mother has a story of when she took me to the pediatrician when I was a baby because I was having trouble falling asleep. She explained to the doctor that her father-in-law used to sing and dance me to sleep and ever since he left, she couldn’t get me to fall asleep. The doctor told her she had two options: learn to sing, or get Grandpa back in town.  

    Gramps was always there for me, especially when I got older. He used to say that my phone call made his day.  Well, it made my day too.  We would have these long talks when I would visit him Tucson about his life, my life, love, happiness, hopes, and such.  But more than that, we would always laugh together, he got a kick out of me as I did him.  I loved being his granddaughter and felt lucky that I had nearly 29 years of him in my life.

    A eulogy is meant to memorialize a person, but also to celebrate him.  After thinking long and hard, I think that there is only one appropriate way to honor my grandfather in the way he deserves to be honored, so here goes.  Please excuse my delivery, it was never as good as his.

Joke 1

    Jesus was on his way walking from Bethlehem to Nazareth. He realized that the toga he was wearing was in bad shape and stopped at a little store with a sign outside that said “Finklestein, the Tailor.”  Jesus shows Finklestein the tailor his toga and Finklestein tells Jesus that he will make him a beautiful new one. Jesus agrees and buys a new toga from the tailor.

    Three months later, Jesus happens to pass by the same store and sees that there is a big new sign with huge writing.  Finklestein sees Jesus and runs outside to greet him and thank him so much for bringing him all the new business.  Finklestein says to Jesus, “You know, we should really become Partners – I can see the sign now! It would read ‘Finklestein and Jesus.’”

    Jesus says, “Nah. How about “Lord & Tailor.”    

Joke 2

    A blond, a redhead, and a brunette were getting ready to compete in a 200-meter breaststroke race.  As the gun went off, all three women dove into the water with great speed. However, as the race progressed, the redhead and brunette were neck-and-neck, while the blond was moving very slowly and didn’t get very far.  The brunette wins the race narrowly, with the redhead taking second place.

     When the race is over, the blond jumps out of the pool and looks a little angry.  She runs over to the judge and says, “No fair! They used their arms!!”

Joke 3

    Four Jewish women are playing Maj Jong when one turns to the other and says, “what does your son do for a living?” The first woman says, “My son is a doctor.”  The woman then turns to a second woman and asks the same question, “What does your son do for a living?” The second woman says, “My son is lawyer.” The woman then turns to the third woman and asks her, “And your son?” The third woman responds, “My son is a C.P.A.”  The woman sits back on her chair and continues to play the game.

   The third woman then turns to her and says, “Well, what does your son do?”  She responds, “He’s a rabbi.” The third woman responds “What kind of job is THAT for a Jewish boy!?!”  

Joke 4

    In the 1950s, a young Jewish traveling salesman named Jeff Gordon goes into the Eden Rock Hotel in Miami Beach and at the front of the lobby there was a large sign that says “No Jews or Dogs Allowed.”  This part is true. Gordon ignores the sign and walks up to the front desk and asks for a room. The hotel clerk says, “I’m terribly sorry Mr. Gordon, but we don’t permit Jews to stay at this hotel.” Gordon, who was very tired from driving 18 hours, looks up to heaven and says, help me.  He turns to the clerk and says to him “what makes you think I’m Jewish?! There are Christians with the last name Gordon.”  The clerk says “okay – how about I give you a quiz of three questions so I know that you’re not Jewish.” Gordon agrees.

    The clerk says, “Question number one: Who is the Lord, our Savior?” Gordon responds, “Jesus Christ.” The clerk says, “Very good. Question two: who were his parents?” Gordon says, “Mary and Joseph.” Clerk says, “Correct. Question three: why did he sleep in a manger?”

   Gordon says, [in an old man Jewish accent] “Because a bastard like you wouldn’t let him check into a hotel.”

Rest peacefully Gramps. I will miss you so much.